Video Games


fifa game

Today, you’re playing this. What? Soccer? FIFA 17. Oh god, I bad at sports games. Yes!

Oh my god, yes. Dude, I love FIFA. I played FIFA 15 and 16. I’m not that great.

If I play it, I’ll be extremely rusty. Soccer is a sport-or football, for all you people watching overseas. I watch the World Cup sometimes, but it’s down here on the sports I watch.

A lot of people at my school are obsessed with FIFA. Americans are just like, like, hell yeah! Soccer! Let’s-let’s play it as a video game. I’m too lazy to outside and actually kick a ball. For some reason, we have never really gotten that international football/soccer bug, and the whole world seems to be in on it and we’re kind of on the sidelines with our baseball.

We’re really gonna test your skills today because this is a React Gaming tournament. Oh god, this is just-God, this is a dream come true. I’m gonna destroy them, obviously. My confidence is already pretty low, so it couldn’t get much lower.

I’m not very confident, but I’m gonna give it my all.  Olé, olé, olé, olé I think I want to pick something that’s about as hard to pronounce as my last name is. Excellent. I just like the, uh, the logo there.

Let’s do a prison uniform. Are there penalties in this? Yes. Oh drat! Oh, there are?

And it’s the start of the casino game here. Wait, where did, I can’t even see the ball. Pass it to that guy. No, no, that’s not on my team!

That’s not on my team! Do something. No, no, no! I don’t know what I’m doing.

This is gonna be so legitimate soccer that-I was like, what am I do-oh, crap. There’s gonna be a 0-0 score, probably. Oh, that was me! Oh, you were just standing there like a fool. As I am wont to do. Virgil, what are you doing?

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho! Oh! You swept the ground from under me. It was a friendly hug. So a red card means that that player is out of the game and you’re a man short for the rest of the match.

Virgil was my best player. Damn it! We’re at a magnificent score of 0-0. Who’s controlling the ball? Okay, you are.

Ooh, yeah! …at the end of 90 minutes. What a jerk! A red card. Alas… So do we go into sudden death?

We are not going into sudden death, or golden goal. Instead, we are going into penalty kicks. Okay. Uhhhhhhh. And here’s the first penalty taker. FIFA 17 great game!!

That was weak. I’m not good at kicking. You were good at kicking me! Dang it!

Uh! Damn. So Jennifer, this is it. You have to make this one or Lotte wins. Or not. Oh, it’s fine.

I-UH! I didn’t even hit any buttons. This is what happens when you cheat. Hey, you know what? I had my fun though.

I don’t really know a whole lot about football and soccer and what have you, but it was a blast.  Olé, olé, olé, olé I’ll be Chelsea. That has five stars. I’m assuming that’s good.

All right, Dortmund. Uh, I’ll do the alternate because alternate is always better. Okay, so you’re the bright one then. Let’s go.

Oh my gosh! So I can’t-oh, okay! So is this-this is-I think this is starting. Oh, what does that mean?

What are you doing? No, no, no, no, no, no, no! I don’t even know what I am doing. I feel like this is-wait. Did I do that? Uh, I mean, I guess.

Or is that the computer? Ah, ah! Oh. Oh darn. Come on, punt. Maybe if I just keep on running this will work!

Please! Nope. Aw, come on! Get the-this isn’t even that hard of a game.

It’s just taking a ball and kicking it into a goal. Okay, soccer is really complex, all right? I don’t understand the rules of soccer. Oh my god! I keep on kicking it out!

Oh my god. How did I go so far? Someone get the ball! …bursting to make an impact. What does that mean, that it rolled out?

What does it mean? It’s out of bounds. Let’s throw the thing. This game is going nowhere right now. No, it’s going nowhere.

This is hard. I’ve had so many opportunities, but I haven’t capitalized on anything. Kick it or whatever you’re supposed to be doing right now. Yes.

God, I think I’m actually enjoying this, which is the worst part because I-oh my god! Go, go, go, go, go! Please, please, please-No, come back. Please, please, please.

Come back! Please, no! Come back here. Screw you, Dylan.

No, no, no, no! No, come on! Oh ! Dude, that was so close! I am so mad. Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot.

Yeah, can I hear it in the back, please? Woo!  Olé, olé, olé, olé I’m gonna go with Real Madrid. That’s some typical  though. That’s literally the only team I know.

That’s exactly why I picked them. You’re going with Portugal? Yeah.

Let’s do different colors. This guy looks like Steve Nash. Dude, the purple looks good. I know, I’m feeling grapey right now. I’ll go this team then-this color-so we can be opposite.

Hey, my guy’s running around.  At night, I think of you Oh, f-It’s got the game underway. Where’s the ball? A tackle from the defender. What?

What? That was a horrible pass. What is going on here?

Here’s a shot! Ha-cha! Ha-cha! Huh-huh-huh-I don’t even know what-GOAAAAAAL! All right, here we go. We’re gonna pass it to him and then we’re gonna-Come on.

Boom. No, okay-I knew that wasn’t over. The wind picked that up a little bit.

It did, yeah. I felt it actually through the TV. Don’t these guys get paid a lot of money? Like, shouldn’t they know how to kick a soccer ball? Oh, ooh, ooh. You’re gonna get another point right here.

Another shot! You choked, man. You get too excited and then I just jam my thumb into the controller and then I just shoot it over the stadium. Now I’m on the other side of the field, and I don’t really like that.

Come on though. That was-That was a pass. I was about to say, huh? Wait, why am I in a goal over here?

I was just making sure there was nothing sketchy in that goal. Oh shoot, I got 13 minutes left. Dude, look at how fast it goes!

What the heck? Is it over? And that is the end of the match. You see, I was going down the field. I won.

 Victorious  I hit it in the goal, that’s all that matters. We got the touchdown. We’re going on to the next round. It’s gonna be fun.  Olé, olé, olé, olé I’m gonna be cheap as because I know he knows how to play the game, so I’m gonna use the most OP team in the game. Classic XI?

It’s, like, all the OG legendary soccer players. I went with my boys, Man U. I trust them to lead me to victory. What color are you gonna go with, because I only have white and blue. I’ll go with red.

Okay, you can start off with the ball. Go! Oh my god-why didn’t I take off Rooney? Go! Go, De Gea.

Throw it out. Give it to me! Give it to me! Throw it at the-dude!

Who are you throwing it at?! Let’s go, boy! Go! What are you–?! Rooney, you old !

Oh my god. I think that’s the key. Dude! Another shot! NO! This is some bull!

Did you see that? Go, Rashford, go. …switch on the attacking power. I’m sorry, what? Rashford! Bro, you .

Dude, you’re such a cheap player. Cheap player? You mean keeping it away from my goal? Get that-dude! Oh, take it!

De Gea, you beautiful angel of a man. You got one lucky goal. One lucky goal? It was a fair goal.

Oh, we’ve got the ball here. I’ve got my boy Lingard coming on. It’s an attack for Manchester United.

Thank you. Another shot! What? What’s that?

No! (screaming joyously) I will gladly take that! Oh my god. Diss. Dude, why did my guy just fall? I don’t know.

That is a red card! No, that’s a yellow. That’s-you didn’t even touch the ball! Give him the red! Oh ! Red card, BOY!

Pass it up. Give it back to Lingard. Reus, finesse!

…goal, he went for it. Ooh. YES! Let’s go, boy! Oh, look, I’m gonna use the Ethan tactic and just kick it where nobody is. Okay, that’s-I didn’t kick it where nobody is.

There’s usually one of my guys over there. They were just leagues away from him. Are you-uh-I’m trying to think of a witty comeback, but I have nothing. But I won, so it doesn’t  matter! Olé, olé, olé, olé I’m just gonna go with Chelsea again. You picked the best team in the game.

Okay. Let’s go! Oh my god, come on. All right. This is how you win. Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on.

We’re still good. Everyone, throw yourselves! No, that was way too much. So it’s halftime… Oh, it’s halftime. .

One of us has got to make a goal, and it’d better be me. Come on-wait, I don’t know what’s happening. Oh, is that me?

No! Yes, okay, come on. No, stop it, Beau! (laughter) Aah, no! Everyone, throw yourselves.

Stop. What the hell? No, that’s not game. Stop! Stop! You know what?

Good game, Beau. Good game.  Olé, olé, olé, olé I’m gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and say that you’re gonna win. I’m gonna give it my best shot.

I’ll stick to Norway. I’m gonna-oh my god. Norway? Are you from Norway?

My last name is. I’m gonna go cheap. Let’s do some  jersey, or we’re gonna get mixed up.

I’ll go purple. Wait, no, that’s still too-okay. There you go.

Teal. Attack him, Suárez. What are you doing? Bye. What are you doing? Suck!

No! Foul! What are you do-you’re playing so dirty. I had a good teacher.

Go, Neymar. They’re about to kick the ball. Oh, look at that skill! Dang. No, no, no, no, no! NO!

Yeah. Witness this, kiddies. I’m about to rub it in. I’m about to die, so witness me! Ivan Rakitić. Oh shoot!

Okay, that might have been a foul. Did my guy foul? Yeah, he’s only on the leg-only on the leg. He’s only on the field, holding his ACL.

Okay, it’s only a yellow card. I know I should have gone for Madrid. They have a much younger team.

They’re, like, grandpas. Oh my goodness! They collect welfare checks playing. …for him, of course. Coming in. Yes, go.

You should get one of those Walmart scooters for . …quick-witted play there. Ah, that’s so rude! Dude, you’re just fouling my players. Like, they can’t walk. And now they’re getting tackled.

That was an accident. Sure-oh, just another yellow card, you know? It’s all good. Oh! Oh, he already had a yellow.

And that’s the end of the match. Well. I would give you a handshake, but handshakes are for winners.  Olé, olé, olé, olé I shouldn’t talk smack because Beau can pick me up and he can body slam me. That’s true. I want to be a mint-flavored team.

I’m trying to figure out how to kick. All right, we’re good. …create much anticipation. No, no! Foul! Penalty!

Penalty. Oh. Look at the way he broke in like that.

Oh my god, that was dirty. He went WWE on his ass. Dude, I cannot get the hang of this penalty thing. It’s like you just learned how to kick a soccer ball for the first time.

Pass it to Modrić. Whoa, Benzema. …kick good with this attack. -Yeah! My boy, Benzema!

He was moving a little too well for me. Wa-cha! That’s one of the cheapest things you can do in all of FIFA, is just kick it down field. I need all the cheap shots that I can get right now, right? Nope. Dude, you’re a fricking pro.